Retirement Planning

If you had purchased US$1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth US$49.00.

With Enron, you would have had US$16.50 left of the original US$1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than US$5.00 left.

If you had purchased US$1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have US$49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased US$1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminium recycling REFUND, you would have had US$121.00.

Based on the above, my best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle!

SLR Lens Repair

I came across this very useful article on how to repair aged lenses where the glass has turned yellowish in colour after a few decades. You can find the article at Brian Ayling's photographic repair tips.

Quote of the Day:

A newly developed 128-jigawatts prime engine designed to convert large volumes of dust bunnies into compact compatible storage form more faithfully and swiftly while blowing off significantly larger quantities of hot air due to its increasing sucking capability, and a new Twilight Real Zone Engine (TRZE), designed exclusively for the KUW-40-MIG-4500, produces well-balanced, true-to-life synergistic behavior for optimal human adaptability. - Eugene Scherba

Marketingspeak at its finest :)

If I was a dictator I'd be...

"Wait, I'm not a dictator!" you cry! Well lets look at the check list: Unelected? Check! Use wars and xenophobia to boost popularity? Check! Total control of the media so they never say a bad word against you? Check! Kill scores of innocent people to get what you want? Check! Do anything to get your hands on oil? Check! Inhumane treatment of prisoners? Check! Face it, you're a dictator, and no amount of gloss will hide that fact… or the fact you're a borderline retard who looks like a monkey! - www.poisonedminds.com

... apparently!

I was kinda hoping to be a Fidel myself, but you don't always get what you wish for. What tin-pot dictator are you? Take the "What Dictator am I?" test yourself and find out.

The Chewbacca Defence

In the annals of the history of American legal argument there is one argument that has stricken fear into the hearts and minds of every prosecutor who has ever been unfortunate enough to encounter it during a jury trial. Its use is frowned upon by the judiciary which is of the opinion that it perverts the course of justice and makes a mockery of the American legal system, but despite attempts to curtail its effectiveness, constitutional law makes them powerless to dilute its devastating power.

The defence itself strikes so much fear into lawyers that I have decided that to post it here would be irresponsible and possibly dangerous so I have provided a link to it instead.

For those of you who are not lawyers (or lawyers with medical aid at the ready - remember I'm not resposible for any psychotic breaks, emotional turmoil or cardiovascular distress that you may suffer), I give you the Chewbacca Defence.

Long, but funny - I had to post it.

Mr Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality
than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the
authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow.

One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f--k with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.

Sincerely,
Ted Brewer

Modern English

My contribution to modern English and correct grammer.
I give you: conjugations of the verb 'ipod'.

---

Infinitive: to ipod
Participle: ipoded
Gerund: ipoding

Conditional Present I would ipod you would ipod he would ipod we would ipod you would ipod they would ipod Perfect I would have ipoded you would have ipoded he would have ipoded we would have ipoded you would have ipoded they would have ipoded Conjunctive Present I ipod you ipod he ipod we ipod you ipod they ipod Present I have ipoded you have ipoded he have ipoded we have ipoded you have ipoded they have ipoded Past I ipoded you ipoded he ipoded we ipoded you ipoded they ipoded Pluperfect I had ipoded you had ipoded he had ipoded we had ipoded you had ipoded they had ipoded

Indicative Present I ipod you ipod he ipods we ipod you ipod they ipod Past I ipoded you ipoded he ipoded we ipoded you ipoded they ipoded Future I will ipod you will ipod he will ipod we will ipod you will ipod they will ipod Perfect I have ipoded you have ipoded he has ipoded we have ipoded you have ipoded they have ipoded Pluperfect I had ipoded you had ipoded he had ipoded we had ipoded you had ipoded they had ipoded Future perfect I will have ipoded you will have ipoded he will have ipoded we will have ipoded you will have ipoded they will have ipoded Imperative you ipod we Let´s ipod you ipod

Which File Extension Are You?

Well... what extention are you? visit the Which File Extension Are You? page and find out.

It would appear that I'm an '.ogg' and to be honest - who am I to argue with the wisdom of the genius that is a script that can distill my entire personality into a file extention metaphor with only a few clicks of the mouse.